I hate pens with a fine point
I like 0.7 fat fat dark dark ink ones OK??!
GRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!
(this rant is to no one in general. i really cant see how people can like those thin fine points but OKAY)
Just came back from a spending splurge. No, not me spending. Dad obviously. I am glad I am not rich (dad is sometimes, just like a sine graph, but then that translates to me being rich sinuosidally)
but I am sure when I am not rich, I wont be glad and yet I plan to be a not-rich. I plan to be married. Financially, materially, of course (Yes, in my heart I felt a beat skip because I know I'm kidding myself in a way and that I unconsciously want to be rich just like everyone else on the planet. But there is no excuse for me to want to be rich materially
BUT, yes I do not want to be rich. From a self-centred perspective, I know rich people can be pretty sad. I observe it. I know it. I experience it. (Not perpetually but I have been at its peak and at the other end. 1 and -1. Just like the sine graph). Its like, happiness. For sure. its tangible alright. But because of what?
Branded clothes? High quality organic/retail food? *snort*
Yes it makes me happy. But I see (and feel, felt) that like ALL humans, our source of joy ...we would prefer if it came from something like:
~having parents who love each other
~family who love each other
~being surrounded by people who are not pretending to be someone they aren't, really
~being happy to be themselves whoever they are
Who bleeding bleeping neighing ***************************** cares (Sorry, I really have to be true to what I feel right now, coz you really wont get what i mean/feel when I say this and what I feel right now is downright mad at what kind of RUBBISH-attitude i have the bleeping ....)
Okay.
i just realised that my anger is displaced from XYZ (living breathing) to a non-living not-even-the-main-problem attitude (italics left) as mentioned above
So I shall stop right here. This is a good example of sublimination, isnt it? Now I know why my Counselling lecturer keep mentioning ... and in the Psycho textbooks, and in the case studies that religious nuts are the psychologically conflicted.
Well its true aint it? Want a case study? See Romans 7 --was it? But nope, we aint conflicted. Thank you god for making me aware. For bringing to light the "unfinished business" as Gestalt calls it. Which the Book calls SIN in my case here. In specific its called Unforgiveness and Hatred manifested in the following Defense Mechanisms (Are you proud of me,?)
:Projection, Sublimination, Displacement, Regression, Denial ( i cant remember the rest and these should suffice)
Yes...that many, probably all the defense mechanisms lah in this particular case. Because of a group of people that have been in my life and before I was born and been messing up my life, not intentionally of course, even before I was born. But are they? Who knows? Its all my perception. I dont know what is real and what is not sometimes. All I know is that sometimes, i wanna rip my heart out of my body and stop living because I am so overwhelmed with anger-sadness-anger.
OK i know i know, I sound Borderline PD or something crazyloony but yeah?
(Oh, so the genetic contribution direction true lah, in my family ada kowt..., somemore my family also ada high levels of Expressed Emotion)
Who is denying it?
not like its an excuse but if you dont know I am sure there is plenty of literature, and I have read that everyone is a touch mad and some, more than a touch, and some more than a splat and some...out of touch.
Huhuhuhuh cute I made that up myself. I should be a philosophicker
anyways, The Book calls that sin.
Everyone is sinful and evil and loves themselves more than anything. So because I am part of the everyone
( OH MY GOODNESS... I am reminded of the very funny joke... the Nobody is perfect. I am a nobody. I am perfect. Wait. I think I got it wrong. It was funnier than that! hahahHAHAHAHHAAH, whatever, maybe that was it)
So as i was saying...because I am part of everyone, I am very sinful to the point that i can somewhat water down my evil self-love by labelling it as "righteous anger" or "going mad" or "mad at XYZs". But really, its just hate. because its conflicting or threatening love. love...for me.
Grr. I'm sick of my sinfulness. What can I do? I cant believe I am justified in the eyes of the God.
I hope God never fails to leave me gobsmacked and utterly speechless realisation of my sin and the HUGEEEEEE mercy of God.
God please help me.
I am a sinner.
How dare I think that i have a right to withhold forgiveness from anyone, what more people who do not know you and your holiness?
hopelessly fraught with sin.
Absolutely undeserving of your love towards me
Thank you for your Word. Thank you for sending her to this world, hostile toward you and her. Thank you for pouring your wrath on your son (Heart feels suddenly like someone placed a bowling ball on it)
What on earth did I do to deserve such grace?
(*Well nothing obviously, thats why its called grace...?*)
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